Disappointment

A few days ago you asked me what was the biggest thing you did that disappointed me. How can I explain there is nothing you can do that would leave me disappointed?  I am your mother and for that I take everything you do knowing it is part of me in you that creates your actions and reactions. Sure I would love you to eat all you vegetables, take baths without asking, and do your  homework because I know it is good for you. I am you mother and I know how you are, too much like me.

I get a little frustrated with the battles, but I created them. Not just with the DNA that I gave you, but also with the way I have gleefully spoiled you, the way I have shown you how to say what you think, and the way I have given you the will to be, just be. All the books say so many conflicting things about raising children. From "give them room... don't give them too much room, stay on top of them,  let them loose" to "make sure they eat the right things, when good parents should put their kids to bed and how to teach them manners". It is hard to know which advice to follow. I feel some days that I have neglected the major teachings but some how with my shortcomings, you are turning out to be a sweet, caring and gentle young man. How could I ever be disappointed in that.

There are things in life that I hope you face with better convictions than I did. These things will come to you when you least expect them and will always knock you on your feet. They will be decisions that you have to deal with on your own and I will be merely disappointed in myself if I did not give you the tools you need in order to choose wisely. Sex, drugs, friends and most importantly how to love freely are all parts of growing that will lead you to many twisted paths. You will decide for yourself how it handle them. I will not always be there to comfort you when the choices you make hit you back with painful afflictions, that is when I will feel I let you down.

I will do everything I can to protect you from the hardest parts of life yet in the end it will be what I taught you that will help you survive. Therefore there is no way I can say you disappoint me, instead I will always be putting that on myself as my failure to address every issue for you. Even with the realization that I can not live your mistakes for you I will take on your hurt as if they were mine. You can take every bad turn in the world, you can not disappoint me, I will always love you. I may wish I had given you more. I may want to save you, even want to make all your decisions for you, but I could never ever be dissatisfied with your choices. I want you to make them based on your free will and directly from your heart not mine. I do not expect you to be me rather I hope you can be better than me.

How it all began....

Having visited the emergency room twice this year (and we are only in March) I began to think more (or less) permanently. As the crash cart came my way this last time with my heart racing to 189 I felt like shouting, "Wait, I'm not done talking to my son." With the room spinning I refused to "pass out". I had more words.

Somehow, once again, the doctors and nurses put me back together and I was ready to put their good work to a meaningful project, turning my son into a gracious and loving creature before that cart comes back to me. He deserves it and so does the rest of this great big beautiful world.

But where do I start now that they have set me free. How about spoiling the life out of him? Well that only works for a little while, I know this because I tested it out several times. Soon they get to a "I can't get enough" stage and then my life is trapped trying to keep up with the 'needs' of a brat. Something more lasting seems necessary.

Finally it just came to me, my favorite moments as a mother are when we have our little talks. Something triggers him when we are driving in a car, or sitting still (only for a minute) and he'll suddenly ask me the deepest questions. Sometimes I simply do not have an answer, other times we get to the center with debates of what he thinks and what I believe. Always in the end we learn something about each other. I usually get a great story to share with my family and friends, and he gets more information about his mother that might may or may not be good to know.

With any luck, I will be around for many years. I will be able to spoil my grandchildren and see mine get to old to want to know anything from me anymore, but until I get that in a written contract signed by God, I will leave this blog. I hope he finds it when he is older and sees the humor, knows it's the best I can do, and fills his heart with the love of a mother, his mother.