Disappointment

A few days ago you asked me what was the biggest thing you did that disappointed me. How can I explain there is nothing you can do that would leave me disappointed?  I am your mother and for that I take everything you do knowing it is part of me in you that creates your actions and reactions. Sure I would love you to eat all you vegetables, take baths without asking, and do your  homework because I know it is good for you. I am you mother and I know how you are, too much like me.

I get a little frustrated with the battles, but I created them. Not just with the DNA that I gave you, but also with the way I have gleefully spoiled you, the way I have shown you how to say what you think, and the way I have given you the will to be, just be. All the books say so many conflicting things about raising children. From "give them room... don't give them too much room, stay on top of them,  let them loose" to "make sure they eat the right things, when good parents should put their kids to bed and how to teach them manners". It is hard to know which advice to follow. I feel some days that I have neglected the major teachings but some how with my shortcomings, you are turning out to be a sweet, caring and gentle young man. How could I ever be disappointed in that.

There are things in life that I hope you face with better convictions than I did. These things will come to you when you least expect them and will always knock you on your feet. They will be decisions that you have to deal with on your own and I will be merely disappointed in myself if I did not give you the tools you need in order to choose wisely. Sex, drugs, friends and most importantly how to love freely are all parts of growing that will lead you to many twisted paths. You will decide for yourself how it handle them. I will not always be there to comfort you when the choices you make hit you back with painful afflictions, that is when I will feel I let you down.

I will do everything I can to protect you from the hardest parts of life yet in the end it will be what I taught you that will help you survive. Therefore there is no way I can say you disappoint me, instead I will always be putting that on myself as my failure to address every issue for you. Even with the realization that I can not live your mistakes for you I will take on your hurt as if they were mine. You can take every bad turn in the world, you can not disappoint me, I will always love you. I may wish I had given you more. I may want to save you, even want to make all your decisions for you, but I could never ever be dissatisfied with your choices. I want you to make them based on your free will and directly from your heart not mine. I do not expect you to be me rather I hope you can be better than me.